It's about who you know, not what you are.

The subject for this evening's epistemological rant has been touched on before, and I hesitate to even bring it up out of not wanting to beat a dead horse, but a friend & I had a somewhat heated back-and-forth about this earlier and I kind of want to blog it out. So, without further ado, here is a probing into the reasons certain hyped-up "internet" bands deserve NO LOVE from me, you, or any other person with a functioning brain:

First I need to clarify certain terminology. I use the term "internet bands" to refer to groups who have gained recognition or made a name for themselves (duh) because some wank with an internet connection said they were something.... and not by the traditional path of playing shows - lots and lots of shows - proving themselves to real, live kids, night after night. Not that internet bands don't tour, but shows and tours seem to come only AFTER a following is in place, a following based on a few mp3 files streamed through pitchfork or some such other mainstream music site.

Obviously, the advent of home-recording & editing programs (and the internet itself) are tools many artists are stoked on, for exactly this reason. Easy street's where it's at.

The shitty thing is music fans like myself are left to deal with all the bland garbage that can get spewed forth. I'll quit pussyfooting around it. Case in point: Cults. What a load of beige, run-of-the-mill, what-the-fuck-ever garage pop. And yet I have to hear my best friend tell me day after day, "Dude! so-and-so's band is labeled as the fucking best new music on pitchfork they're on the front page and blah blah blah. Isn't that awesome for so-and-so?"

I guess.

Awesome you could get your girlfriend's mom to pull some strings and get your name put in lights before you even play a single fucking show. Never having to go through all that awful business of seeing if kids actually like you after LISTENING to a set. Now Pitchfork has already made up most of their minds for them. You can be free to play shows and not worry if people show up and suck your cock... and you never had to do more than rip off the melody to that Stone's song "time." And I'm sure these are really nice, awesome people. I haven't met them. My problem is not with them or even their band necessarily, but in the fact that their band is being lauded as something spectacular when it isn't.

Bands like this need not be anything at all. Kids these days are so terrified of their brains being quiet that constant sensory stimulation is required. Enter the internet. Blogging hours a day, scanning through picture after picture, staring at YouTube videos, one right after another... music playing constantly and IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT IS, so long as it's hip and new and makes you feel safe inside your skull. And sites like Pitchfork are worthless if they don't feed the masses what they want. Pitchfork needs the hordes of musicians with home recording equipment pumping out bland garage garbage.

So, in conclusion, this is why internet bands get no love from me: Because they are the fuel for the machine. They are the sonic equivalent of party-photography. They exist for no reason but shameless self-glorification. They embody vapidity. Pointlessness. Static.


My generation is failing so hard.